The Pregnancy Ride.

It's AMAZING how different the second pregnancy is than the first.  For me, at least. 

I feel like there is a side of pregnancy that people don't talk about very much. Like the mix of highs and lows that come with the excitement of preparing to welcome a new baby. 

Lately when people ask me, "How are you feeling?" I struggle for a second. Do I tell them the truth? Do they have an hour? Usually I just say, "Oh fine. I'm ready!" with a giggle. If they're a good friend, I go into the REAL details.

Like, first of all, this go-around I am WAY more tired.

I'm not sure if it's the toddler I chase daily (versus the desk I sat at), or the lack of sleep I'm getting (slept like a champ with Coop-man but this time I'm peeing every hour, literally EV-ER-Y hour) but I am whipped by the end of the day. Night-time is not my friend. It's when I'm the most physically uncomfortable, when the baby likes to practice his upper cuts, and I'm wicked tired. But can't sleep, naturally.

Physically last year, I was walking three miles during my 41st week of pregnancy. I had energy for days! This pregnancy? I am wiped out for two days after a light stroller class. 

Second, I am more anxious.

The glorious thing about your first is that you have no idea what is coming. Truly a time when ignorance is bliss. You don't understand what the lack of sleep feels like...or the struggles that come with trying to teach your new bundle how to nurse or how to sleep...or the way your body houdini's into this milk-making, fluid excreting, bloody, painful...temple.

This time? 

Oh, I know what's coming. 

AND I have a two year old to take care of. And things like this article that a friend just emailed as I'm writing this strike fear.

I would be lying if I'm not slightly terrified.
Can I do it all?

Can I do it all without losing my sanity?

Will I be able to function without snapping at my son or newborn? Will they know how much I love them or I will I warp into a very ugly ogre?

Third, I'm having some dark days.

Some days I feel my patience go, oh I don't know, out the front door with Jeff on his way to work. Those type of days it's a struggle to get out from under the dark cloud sitting on my chest. I'm sure you gathered this after last week's Grumpy Post.

All the fears of anything that will ever happen ever over the next 1 to 5 years creep into my mind. I know during these days I'm not my best for Cooper (or anyone else around me for that matter). And even worse, I just don't feel like myself. 

Pregnancy is such a beautiful, complicated experience. I am continually amazed at the whole process, starting at conception. It is so busy with one at home, I truly don't know if I really have processed what is about to happen. That another little human will be joining our family. A dream come true.

So, like everything, you take the good with the bad, roll with it, and know the lows will pass. When I take a second, re-enter reality, and I think of the first time Cooper meets Number Two, my heart swells, and I know all is the way it is supposed to be. 

And we are so grateful.